I find myself continually in a place where I am practicing contentment and trying to be patient as I wait for the next thing in life my heart is desiring. A few years ago this waiting was in regards to being married. I longed to be a wife and enjoy the companionship of my handsome hubby. I even got to the point in waiting where I told the Lord, “If this isn’t the person you have for me let this relationship dissolve and plant a new desire in my heart”. As you know I am now happily married to that same wonderful man and wouldn’t change a thing. I learned a lot about myself in the waiting and it allowed me to prepare for the sacrifices that love and marriage would and has required of me.
Today that desire waiting to be fulfilled is motherhood. I have actually had “baby fever” for several years but recently that desire has been aching at my heart. I love kids, they are seriously the best humans in the world! They are smart, funny, so genuine, and love in such an unconditional way. It’s amazing to me. I feel like I’ve always been a mom at heart even from a young age, as I would care for and teach my baby dolls as if they were real babies 🙈
I am learning in this time of waiting (we aren’t quite ready for babies just yet as a couple and that’s ok, cause when we are ready it’s gonna be amazing) that I should be enjoying all the freedoms that life without kids offers. I usually stay occupied by taking great care of my hubby and our dog! However since it’s been just me and the dog, I miss taking care of another human. I know I am just missing my hubby and that is totally understandable! Plus I have several friends that will be having adorable babies soon, and I have so many friends who allow me to pour into and love on their kiddos!! I have truly been blessed in the season of waiting with some amazing women and kiddos to share life with while my hubby is away!! Thank you all for your love and support and indulging my baby fever!! #waiting #pactience #confession”
I know this may seem like a totally new topic, but trust me there is a connection.
This past week my heart was a bit heavy. It’s been 4 years now since my Grandma Linda passed away from cancer. She was an amazing, feisty, strong willed, and wise woman. I learned so very much from her. She taught me during my waiting that being married is a job you must take seriously. It means taking care of and meeting the needs of your partner, sometimes even when you don’t feel like it. I think the most memorable thing she said to me during this time is, “There might be days you wake up and you might not be able to stand anything about your husband. Just the fact that he exists might be irritating; know that loving someone is a choice, not a feeling.” I can’t guarantee that those are the exact words she used, but it’s pretty close, or at least the best I can remember. The point is loving is a choice we must choose daily!
Then one day in our second year of marriage, everything my hubby did irritated me to no end and I realized what my grandma meant! I was short with him and when he asked why, I remember responding, “I’m not really sure but just the fact that you exist today is irritating.” I know that sounds terrible, but it was true. I just woke up “on the wrong side of the bed” so to speak and felt irritated at the world, and my husband, and the dog, for no other reason than I was in an irritable mood. I took a little time to myself, then apologized to my wonderful hubby and made sure he knew I love him so very much. I was just feeling funky and I was taking it out on him. That day what my grandma had said to me really clicked.
She was such a wise woman and I am so thankful for all the time I had with her. As I mentioned above, she passed away from cancer. She was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer a few years prior, and I prayed that she would get well. That the Lord who can do all things, would heal her of the cancer. In this season of waiting for an answer, something was growing heavy on my heart. While I was praying, I just told God, “I know you are the healer; that all things are possible with you! I want you to know that, even if you don’t give me what I want. Even if my thought of healing isn’t the thing that happens, it doesn’t change how I feel about You. I know You’re still good and You still love me!” I know that may seem crazy to some, but this wasn’t the first grandparent I had prayed to be healed of a terminal illness.
My grandma Mary passed away of Lou Gehrig’s Disease (ALS) in 2000. My Grandpa Bill passed away from bone cancer in 2010. I prayed and prayed for them to be healed. But I believe there are two kinds of healing: the earthly healing and the heavenly healing. Earthly healing, when you are healed and get to have a personal testimony to share with others. Heavenly healing, where you receive the ultimate healing of no more sickness and no more pain in eternity with the Lord.
I have a personal relationship with the Lord, and through that I have learned that God is faithful. He has always kept me safe and protected me from harm. He has healed me! So I know that even if my prayers aren’t answered the way I want, that He’s still good and His love for me is true.
I guess the whole point of this is that I’ve learned that my ways, wants and desires for my life and what affects my life aren’t always what God has in mind, and I have learned that Gods plans for me are always more/better than anything I imagined for myself. If you read my post Everything I Dreamed and More, you know what I’m talking about.
I have learned in every season of waiting, to remind myself and the Lord, that even if I don’t get what I want, that I know His plans for me are good. I will still love Him even if I don’t get the things I feel so strongly in my heart. So even if my grandparents passed away, which they did. Even if I didn’t get to be married, which I did. Even if I don’t get to be a mom. That I know His plans for me are better than I can imagine and that I just need some help finding a new dream, if that’s the case.
I heard a song on K-LOVE the other day and it completely took me back to that feeling of crying out to God for what I wanted. Healing, a husband, Motherhood, and knowing that even if I don’t get what I want. God is my Hope and He has done so many good things for me and through me in my lifetime, that this one thing won’t keep me from loving Him! The song is called Even If,by MercyMe. The chorus is my favorite
“I know You’re able and I know You can
Save through the fire with Your mighty hand
I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt
Would all go away if You’d just say the word
Just know that waiting is never easy. However in my experience it is always a learning experience that is preparing you for what’s to come!!
Thank you for sharing in my journey! If you are interested in receiving my blog posts in your inbox (I don’t post a lot, mostly just when I have sessions and if inspiration or life compels me), scroll down and click the follow button.
~Hannah
aPear Photography 