I shared this on my social media about a year ago in about 4 posts, and ever since I’ve felt the tug to put my testimony in a way that can be read in totality. I talked myself out of posting this so many times, but was reminded about something the Lord put on my heart in March of last year. When we share what Jesus has done for us, we open the door for others to experience freedom as well. Speaking Jesus over our situation and sharing what he’s brought us through brings freedom and speaks the power of Jesus to those around us. When we set our eyes, heart, and mind in Jesus, he brings healing to the secret parts of us! 2 Corinthians 4:5“ We don’t go around preaching about ourselves; we preach Christ Jesus, the Lord. All we say about ourselves is that we are your servants because of what Jesus has done for us.” It’s not me, it’s all Jesus! His Word, the Bible, tells us his heart for us! Salvation, deliverance, safety, and healing! So here it is….
Motherhood has been something I had longed for since before I was married. When I became pregnant in 2017, I was so excited and overjoyed. Found out he was breech at 35 weeks and was a bit frustrated. I tried everything except acupuncture to turn this kid: prayer, yoga positions, chiropractic care, prenatal massage. None of it changed his position, but I did end up going into labor at 37 weeks and into my first every major surgery to have him. To say that my world was turned upside down is an understatement. I had a plan and it went right out the window. I know God had it all under control, but guys, it was disappointing. I mourned a lot during that first year and when I had taken that postpartum survey and was 1 point away from being clinically diagnosed with postpartum depression. I was so happy and so sad all at once. Blessed with such a joy to be this boys mama but so sorrowful over the life I saw changing. Your relationships change and things that came easy were more challenging and took more time. Time that you honestly don’t have much of with a tiny baby who cluster feeds all the time and all the newness of figuring out life with a baby.
Then in 2020 I was pregnant again, my pregnancy was not as perfect as my first. I got blood draw it 5 weeks and needed up passing out and having to go to the er and it was a whole thing (my tip don’t do the blood draw till 10 weeks or so, that’s when it happened my first time and no issues, but that could just be me and my body). From that day on I was nauseous and funky for a long while. She ended up being breech as well which this time I could tell and was much more calm and prepared. Had my second c-section at 38 weeks and 4 days. Felt completely different. Well after the several hours of throwing up so much I was shaking cause they didn’t connect the fluid bags 🙄. Minus that miserable few hours, I felt completely different. No overwhelming sorrow, just trying to figure out the two kid life. The sorrow kicked in when our life had to adjust to the hubby’s work needs, as he got selected for officer and headed to VA to do his schooling for that.
I guess not so much sad, but mad. I was so proud of my husband and mad that he wasn’t there when I needed him. I had planned on doing this whole kid thing with him, every step of the way. However, life doesn’t go how we plan, sometimes we have to be willing to change the plan. If I’m honest, if our plan doesn’t involve Gods hand to do whatever he wants to do, it’s probably going to be a constant disappointment, that’s been my personal experience. Also, as a military spouse, if we even think we can make plans we’re kinda joking ourselves. So hubby went to school in VA. The kids and I moved to MO with my parents. (I could have stayed alone with two kids under 3 in Texas, but I am not a good alone person.) I would not have survived that season without my awesome parents and all their help! Plus MO is exactly where Adelynn needed to be to receive the care she needed for her infantile hemangioma. God always knows best!! He brought us all the help we needed in that season!
In the middle of it all though, I was so mad. I could control my feelings till I was tired, then I was just raging mad and sad, and guys it was not a good look. I have found, since becoming a mom, things I thought I had control over in myself, were not so in control. Looking back I shouldn’t have carried that all alone. I still prayed but I prayed for my kids more. When I prayed for me, it was take this away, this sadness, this anger, but I wasn’t seeking the one who created me for the root to those things.
Two verses have helped during this season.
John 16:33 ( I like the amplified version)
I have told you these things, so that in me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. In the world you have tribulations and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of the power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]
If Jesus said this way back then, it is most definitely true today. Life in this world is hard, it’s gonna be frustrating, but the good news, He has conquered it! I love what it say, “I have deprived it if the power to harm you!” Takes my mind to the verse That says, “no weapon formed again you shall prosper.” When life gets frustrating I can run to him. Just like David in the psalms, if you haven’t read through them you should. It’s given me great comfort to see that God loves when we are honest and open with him! But I wasn’t, I was trying (haha) to hide my innermost self from the one who knows everything about me. 🤦🏻♀️ like that’s even possible. Which brings me to the second verse.
2 Corinthians 12:9
Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weakness so that the power of Christ can work though me.
He hasn’t called me to be strong, to carry all my burdens alone, or to pretend/deny that I need help. He actually already knows all my weakness and He still chose me! He loves everything about me, cause he made me. But here I was disappointed in myself more than anything for the things I felt. For all that was going on inside, ‘cause i thought I wasn’t suppose to feel this way… (Cast all your cares on me for I care for you- verse)
I am so thankful for my hubby cause he has loved me through it all and been so gracious in my hard times.
I am by no means saying my hard is more than anyone else’s. I know everyone’s hard is different, and everyone’s story matters. Our stories are our testimonies. They show us and the world just how God has shown up and done what only he can do.
Life is hard. Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Seeking help is hard. Talking about these thing, it’s hard. Anyone who says any of these things are easy, has mastered life, I guess, but that’s not me.
The good news we can do hard things! Philippians 3:16 I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
That’s what it’s taken for me. Putting on Praise, when I feel frustrated. Lately I’ve been singing a song I learned growing up. “The victory is mine when the battle is the Lords, hosanna, hosanna.” I sing it so often that my littles are singing it as well, or even more fun, they finish singing the words as I sing sometimes! Some days I feel like I’m not cut out for this task of motherhood, like I’m doing it all wrong, but then I’m reminded that I’m just the right mom for them.
So if you are reading this and you’ve had the same struggles, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!
Jesus loves you and you can find peace and help in him and through what he says in his word, the Bible!
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